Cave Web 2001
A satirical collection of droppings on a cave floor.


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Webweaver's comment: Piccy of so called illustrious leader - Supreme Shithead, Osama Bin Laden, soon to be resident of Hades. Go take a  prewiew!
This is called satire, if you are offended go play with your camels and goats.
Cave Web 2001
Assorted nonsensical mutterings from deep inside various caves somewhere in the mountains of Afganistan, or is it Pakistan or even Darfur? Personally I hope he has died a lingering death in some collapsed cave.

All users please take note that some information may be outdated due to the volatile nature of a Jihad.

Page top / Bladsy bo Navigation buttons to get to the top or bottom, otherwise just use the UP or DOWN arrows or PAGE UP/DOWN to scroll. Page bottom / Bladsy onderIf you dont know what this means go buy a camel and go play somewhere else.

Weekly Cave Memo
Origin of it all
#01
#02
#03 & Update
#04
#05
  Cave memo updates
#02 Update
Update 18.11.2001
Update 01.08.2002
  Cave talk
#01
#02
#03
#04
#05
#06
#07
#08
#09
  Related Links
Binladen Weather Forecast
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Family members
Fatwa
On Urban legends
On About
Osama Cartoons
The MoCartoons
Thoughts
Origin of it all...
Page collaboration; John Moe (Idea and text), Howard Grant & Mark J Davies (more text) and woven by Robbie Crouch as originated on ArmyTalk mailing list November 2001:
Subsequently it has been discovered that the original Weekly Cave Memo originated in Seattle as the following exerpts show (edited a bit);

From: "Mark J. Davies"
I have been contacted by the original author of the 1st edition of cave talk from NPR and KUOW - Seattle - the guys name is John Moe and he is the staff writer for these radio stations. He loved us taking it and carrying on and I think they will be using our cave talks to do a radio show. He got me via the email address I always have on my signature.
HEY We get some fame!
LOL

Here is the email about cave talk

Mark J. Davies

-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
To: 'Mark J. Davies'
Subject: RE: Osama memo

Wow. I had no idea this thing would take off like this. The internet is a special place.
Would you mind putting a blurb on your site saying I wrote it and mention the show and the web sites?

-----Original Message-----

From: Mark J. Davies

To: johnmoe
Subject: RE: Osama memo

Yep - I am still doing them - I keep on getting emails from all over the place asking me to carry on. You know how it is - sometimes it flows and sometimes not. Also depends on my work load - last few weeks its been tough here (in Brazil) so I didn't really get much time. Cave talk 8 came out a few days ago. But it takes a 'story' to base the cave memo around and with this swine lying low its hard.
The next one has him having a sex change (did you see the report on CNN that he has plastic surgery).
I will probably keep Richard and co. around - depends how soon your guys (Marines etc) take him out. I have promised to write a final cave talk then from Hell. I am glad you enjoy them - kind of flattering really as I am a serious project manager that just enjoys making people laugh sometime. If it makes a professional writer chuckle then wonderful. I just have visions of walking down the beach (I live North of Rio) and some guy in a turban and Cessana screaming "in the name of Allah" howling towards me. My middle name is Not Rushdie!!!!
LOL.

Mark J. Davies

-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
To: 'Mark J. Davies'

Subject: RE: Osama memo

Wow. This is incredibly comprehensive. Yeah, I spent 3 years writing and editing at Amazon.com so I know the passive-aggressive e-mail ouevre quite well myself.
Are you still going with the angle of Richard being an American spy?

-----Original Message-----

From: Mark J. Davies
To: johnmoe

Subject: RE: Osama memo

Hi John

We didn't know where is came from (yours) one of the guys posted it to the list. l loved it - having worked for big companies I could just imagine this damn internal memo going around so I took the ball and ran with it as did a friend from South Africa. They are all on:
(now moved to url above! RC)
I wrote most of them (you can see from the website) and am up to Part 8 right now. Glad you like them. I enjoy writing things like this and have had a few things published and some websites- I tend to take real news stories (mostly from South Africa) and write for my friends.
Have a look at the website above and tell me what you think?

Best regards

Mark J. Davies

-----Original Message-----

From: John Moe
To: davies

Subject: Osama memo

Hi Mark,
I ran across your sequel to the Osama cave memo
(http://lib.sun.ac.za/army/army-talk/msg33095.html) (no longer online-ed.) while searching on Google today and enjoyed it very much. I actually wrote the original for the American National Public Radio progam "Rewind" in October and since then it's taken on a life of it's own but this is the first sequel I've seen.
Very funny. Did you write it?
By the way, you can listen to the original using real player at
http://rewind.kuow.org/Archive_Get_from_db.asp?Date=10/5/01
http://rewind.kuow.org/Archive_Get_from_db.asp?Date=10/12/01

Thanks.

John Moe - Staff Writer/Producer
Rewind - from NPR and KUOW - Seattle
rewind.kuow.org
206.221.2733

johnmoe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Many Thanks to John Moe for letting us run with the follow ups.
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Cave Memo 01
Cave memo #01 2001.11.09 (John Moe sent in by Grant Howard) see Origin of it all

Subject: The Weekly Cave Memo #01

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.
Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard.

Love you lots.

Usama
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Cave Memo 02
Cave memo #02 2001.11.12 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: The Weekly Cave Memo No 2.

Good day guys

Once again a short inter cave memo to keep you all up to date on what has happened in the last week and to keep us all focussed on the team goals.
I would like to remind you all that tomorrow night at 8pm we will be having the regular cave sing along, Sharif will be picking the songs tonight after last weeks selection from Richard was a bit 'controversial', not many of us know the words to "Puff the magic dragon" although the opening number of the Pirates of Penzance always goes down well. But next time Richard lets cut out the drinking song from "the student Prince" the other caves were complaining about the loud bits. But thanks anyway to you Dick for the enthusiasm.
To those of you that don't know yet (yes you Ali!) the large yellow cans dropped by the great Satan's planes are cluster bombs, the small yellow cans are beans. Its not to much to ask chaps to check before you bring one of the 'wrong' cans into the cave - I know they are all the same colour but apparently Americans paint everything yellow - something to do with them being colour blind.
The next subject is a touchy one but one that I need to mention. I want to know who has been using my laptop and satellite phone and using my credit card on Amazon.com to order the Sony Play station 2 with the "Lara croft gets Bin laden" play pack - guys - Its not that I mind you ordering the classics like the Koran and how to kill your enemy with your bare hands but lets cool it on the games here, we are fighting a war and keeping the generator going just to play Ben Ladin's tomb being raided is in bad taste. And I don't want to hear it improves your reaction time.
And to the guy that ordered playboy - Musmah would like to chat to you after evening prayers. I know you are all getting bored down here but lets keep focussed. I know we are all looking forward to our 96 virgins when we go straight to paradise but lets not get ahead of ourselves here.
Just a final short reminded that next Monday is our outing day. Muhamed has arranged a trip to the Kabul football station to watch some public executions, I don't want a repeat of last time when Mosharif took the prisoners around for a victory lap in his 4 x 4 before hanging them from the goal posts. That was not in good taste Mosharif and I have to tell you that in this regard the council of elders has forbidden you to visit your wife for 6 months but you can still see your goat on every alternate weeknight.
So - guys that's all from me for the week - thanks again for hanging tough.

Your team leader

Usama
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Cave Memo 03
Cave memo #03 2001.11.14 (Grant Howard)

Subject: The Weekly Cave Memo No 3. Update for today

Dear all,

Matters entertainment

Due to a lack of idea's coming forward to Muhamed, I would like to suggest a Karaoke evening in Cave 9 starting at 9pm (Yes I know, ANOTHER sing-a-long) but the generator is down! Snacks will be served, and Abdul has promised to do that great ABBA hit he does so well, "Super Trouper" with Kamal providing backing vocals. This promises to be a great evening and I look forward to seeing you all there.

Matters food and hygiene.

Thanks to all of you for making sure to bring the Son's of Satans beans in and NOT the bombs, food is good. However seeing as how we are all eating a lot of Beans lately, and we do live in a confined space, can I ask you all to show a bit of consideration. Passing foul gas in the cave is not funny, and no Richard, holding a lit match to Sudish's anus and making him pass wind is not a good 'party trick' and a 'riot', Kalibh was not laughing when his beard caught fire was he? All I ask is consideration, ask yourself, do I want MY beard alight because of firey anus wind? I think not!

Matters finance

Seeing as how the Pig Dogs of America have frozen my assets, I will pass round a turban tonight for a small donation so that we can buy a missile or two, please give as much as you can.
All the best and remember "If you would rather be someplace else, it ain't

a Jihad"

Usama
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Cave Memo 04
Cave memo #04 2001.11..... (MIA) This one seems to have evaporated.
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Cave Memo 05
Cave memo #05 2001.11.18 (Grant Howard)

Subject: Cave Memo number 5

A happy Ramadan to you all!

Okay then, wow where to begin, so here we are in lovely sunny Kandahar, great, good to be here, and I know you all are really glad to be in new surroundings.
Before I brief you all on what needs to be done to make our new homes lovelier, I just wish to send a big thank you to all of you who helped in the move to escape the pig dog Americans [die die die]. I believe we did it in an orderly fashion and a big pat on the back to you all. Unfortunately I need to just mention, that although we moved well, taking along Ishmaels stuffed panda bear toy's collection was a bit of a stretch, so in future, should we need to move again, can we keep things down to the essentials, please guys, we are global terrorists here, let's try and play the part.
Yakoub has a lovely copy of June 1998 'Country Life', and I wish to ask you all to read the article on living communally, it is well worth the read. Another big thanks must go to Richard, for his article stroke survey on "Am I a typical terrorist male" as well as for the article "How to pleasure the Virgins in Paradise: 10 easy steps to make her tremble", well done Richard! We will all benefit from those tips!
We are all creatures of our surroundings and in an effort to brighten things up, I think we need to get active and start working in the gardens, I believe that if we all make an effort, the topiary garden can really come along nicely.
Well that's the good news, unfortunately we need to talk about the bad a bit.
Last night, our fine Muslim comrade from Cape Town, Gatiep Witbooi, passed away! I know we are all stricken at the loss, but, I think we need to learn a lesson from this horrible event. For those of you, who don't know what happened, Gatiep decided to organise a friendly cricket match between the Cave 10 "Black Scorpions" and the "Blushing Virgins" in Cave 4. Unfortunately, Gatiep, being new to terrorism and an ardent fan of cricket and a top batsmen in the "Blushing Virgins" got confused between a cricket ball, and a hand grenade! Bad mistake! On a positive note however, if the grenade hadn't gone off Gatiep would definitely have got a six! A belated well done to Gatiep.
In order to orientate our volounteers from around the world, I have decided to instigate a small mantra to go along with our daily prayers, each of the new guys must repeat 5 times an hour "This a grenade, This is a ball, this is for fighting and this is for fun".
Hopefully we can prevent any further accidents in the future.
Okay then, that is all from me, lets all pull together and think positive thoughts now!

The man in charge,

Usama
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Update #02
Cave memo #02 update 2001.11.13 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: The Weekly Cave Memo No 2. Update for today

Just a short update chaps - unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control the day trip to Kabul to see the executions has been cancelled. Muhamed would like to hear some suggestions from you all for an alternative treat for a day trip.

Your team leader

Usama
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Update 18.11.2001
Update 18.11.2001 (Grant Howard)

Subject: Daily Cave update

Hi happy Hi Ho to you all,
Due to the recent lack of military fighting skill being displayed, I think it is opportune to to bring your attentions to a few points about basic survival skills and also to address some concerns one or two of you may have:
Point 1: It is bad to stand up and scream "over here, over here!" when those pig dogs are attacking, Billy-Bob can you just watch that please, I know you meant well in trying to draw the American lap dogs Northern Alliance away from our Taliban friends, but you brought them a little too close to us.
Point 2: Disguising yourself as a bush to creep up on the enemy is bad, guy's it is winter, there are no green leaves on any tree's at the moment, and tree's especially do not whisper at each other loudly, you will get shot at if you try it.
Point 3: Pretending to be an American USO show is stupid. Firstly Bob Hope is dead so that is suspect, secondly, Mullah Omar, dressing like a young Anne Margret with a long beard will raise suspicion (however to be positive, you do have nice legs though and man you do have a good voice!).
Point 4: Yusuf, you cannot have prostitutes in Paradise, even though I do see your point that Virgins would need 'training', it wouldn't be Paradise if there were no virgins now would it?
Point 5: Ammunition does run out! Opening fire like a decadent Hollywood action hero, sucking on a cigar and firing two Ak's on full automatic is impressive, I grant you, but you will run out of ammunition and you will die. And nobody is impressed with the fake accent thing going either, Abdul, impersonating me and saying "I'll be back" like Schwarzenegger was funny once, after over a hundred times, it is tiring..
Point 6: Chuck, we share in our caves, everything is communal, please, if somebody asks you if they can make a call on your satelite phone, allow them. You cannot tell us it is broken and then sneak out of the cave late at night to make phone calls with a 'broken phone', come on guys, we are a team here, let's pull together.
Lastly, I think after prayers tonight, I want us all to do a team hugging exercise and a bit of bonding, remember guys, we may be terrorists, but we can also cry.
Lets do it to them before they do it to us,

Usama
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Update 01.08.2002
Update 01.08.2002 (Grant Howard)

Subject: Cave Talk Memo 1 of August 2002: Special Events, matters general and the use of robots in searching caves.

Attention: All followers of Virginal Delights

From: Kenneth Quinton-Smythe (aka Osama)

Re: Special Events, matters general and the use of robots in searching caves.

Hi all,

Well we have been quiet for some time, however needs dictate that we all hunker down and do our bit to defeat the infidel.
Okay, first off, Happy birthday to Kalif, Khalil, Khalef, Khamal, Khalilef and Frank. Many more guys and hope you enjoy the non-dairy halaal cakes we sent from Cave 10. Khuleil spent many hours icing the naked virgins on the cake and we all thank him for his exact impressions of female delights. Unfortunately could the person who made the round hole in the mouth of one of the icing virgins please come talk to me, I think we may have some frustration issues.
Well the war continues, but never worry guys, always look on the bright side of life. We survived our engagement against the British pig dogs (mainly because there weapons failed), but still 10 points must go to Ashraf who disguised himself as a tumbleweed to escape the English soldiers, the doctor says Ashraf will be fine once he recovers from rolling out of the cave, down the mountain and striking with great Allah like force the side of that tank, powwow, musta hurt!
Now we have all seen at some time the pig Americans using robot machines to search the caves, please follow these rules to ensure your survival and mine:
1. Do not ride the robot like a rodeo bull, you could fall off and hurt yourself.
2. Do not turn the robot upside down, this does tip the Americans off that somebody is there.
3. Do not urinate and throw faecal matter at the robot, it stinks up the cave, and besides when throwing poo's you might miss the robot and hit each other.
4. Please refrain from using the robot as an automatic drink carrier, the robot is unsteady and spills my Iced Tea, also it creates dust which clings to the ice blocks.
5. Please do not place important letters or messages on the robot to be delivered between the caves, we never know when the pig Americans might try to bring the robot out.
Guys just follow these rules and everything should be fine.

Next are matters general:

I know it is tough living in a cave and sometimes close living can bring out the best and worst in people, but if you are considerate, we should all get on fine, so in the spirit of being lovely, will the person who cuts their toe nails and then just leaves the clippings lying around ..... PLEASE STOP IT! It is disgusting and irritating to constantly have to remove one's sandals to pull toe nail clippings out of one's feet! Remember, Allah don't love no disgusting faithful, baby! Because of the shortage of poo paper, Ishmael will be coming round with a basket, and I would appreciate it if you all could put in a square or two of cloth from your turbans, this wonderful idea will allow us to poo more comfortably AND think environmentally by being able to wash the material afterwards - A big thank you to Saul Feinstein for coming up with that idea!

Congratulations to Cave 15's cheerleaders for winning the inter-cave pep rally championships, you go boys!

Okay, that is it for now, remember THERE IS NO I IN TEAM!

Ken
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#01
Cave Talk #01 2001.11.13 (Mark J. Davies)

Subject: Cave Talk 1 - your newletter with a difference.

Well guys its been a busy few days for us all.

Mohama suggested that in order to keep the team motivated we change to a daily newsletter format - many thanks to Abdullah for spending the time to put it all together and thanks to Bill for the free trial copy of XP that is just so much more stable than my old 98 version. Also a fast hats off (or turbans actually) to Mustafa for supplying us with the 10000 rolls of toilet paper with my face on it - Great idea to print the newsletter in the blank side and of course I don't mind as its soft strong and very, very long.

Anyway. Enough babbling and on with the news.......

Musharif has expressed disappointment at some of the suggestions received for the day trip planned for next week, Richards suggestion of doing the re-enactment of "carry on up the Kyber" was not appreciated by most and I have decided that the next two weeks anti personnel mine stamping duty go to him for that. His other suggestion that we all stand out in the open in a long line and do something that he calls the "daisy cutter dance" while the infidels fly overhead was also not appreciated by most although our neighbouring cave did give it a try - may their souls rest in the arms of the virgins forever.
I would also like to bring up a concern raised by our host Mullah Mohammed Omar (his name be praised) -- guys as you know we are expected to grow and not cut our beards -could the guy that is selling the Gillette Mach 3 razors please come and see me after evening prayers. It really not on to see you guys with dark skin around the eyes and your chins looking pale and clean like the infidels and I don't want to hear the "I'm going undercover to get information" excuse again.
Other than that its been a tough few days for us all and I would like to ask you guys to remain positive despite the strategic withdrawals we have all had to go through. A special thanks to Mosharif for giving up his goat for dinner last night - we all know what a hard decision that was as well as a strategic withdrawal that he had to go through before we killed it.

Once again guys - lets keep the faith - no-one else is....

Your team leader with big hugs

Usama
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#02
Cave Talk #02 2001.11.14 (Mark J. Davies)

Subject: Cave talk 2 - your Daily newletter from the deep cracks

Once again a smiley hello to you all from your team leader.
Again its been a tough 24 hours, I have to say I am disappointed in Abdullah who went out to get another print cartridge and hasn't come back still we will soldier on but in black and white.
I would like to raise a big issue that has come up from our Taliban comrades, while they REALLY appreciate us helping them in their battle against the Great Satan they have raised a couple of important points. When using the words "last stand" like some of our brave fallen in Kabul yesterday (may they reap the riches in Paradise) we need to get away from the concept of "stand" - even when doing a last "stand" its fairly normal to still lie down behind cover when the other chaps are shooting back. Standing up into a hail of bullets while impressive in theory is not really as practical as you may think. Just a small point but I think an important one.
And this raises another important issue, those 5 fighters that died yesterday (may they enjoy their virgins forever) who climbed a tree to shoot at the enemy (may the rot with Shaitan always). Guys while we all really appreciate the incredible enthusiasm - climbing a tree to shoot at people is even more stupid than standing up when you could be shooting at people from behind walls or rocks. An important point here guys, it's winter, the trees are bare and thinking that you are camouflaged is probably a mistake. Call me a traditionalist but I like to shoot at people from the ground. Hanging from a branch a few meters in the air is not my idea of finding cover. Lets keep things simple in future chaps.
And another thing - could you all please stop turning on the ghetto blaster at the back of the cave to max volume. Radio Kabul is not on the list of acceptable radio since they started playing music yesterday especially Maddona's 'like a virgin' (NO Mohatla it's not a song to encourage us to die during the Jihad! So we can get our reward in paradise). Lets keep ourselves pure guys and listen to our motivation tapes - my latest recoding is a duzi and the bit about nuking the infidels always goes down well in the cave mosque next door. You can get them cheap at only 50 000 Riates (USD travellers cheques will be accepted Richard!)
Anyway chaps. Once again a big hug to you all and to quote from an old American tv show Hill street blues, that was always on Saudi TV - "Guys, lets be careful out there!"

Your team leader

Usama
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#03
Cave Talk #03 2001.11?? This one seems to be MIA
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#04
Cave Talk #04 2001.11.?? (Mark J Davies)

Subject: Cave talk 4 - News you can use and then abuse....

Hi all, not much smiley faces in the past few days but here goes.

A big thanks to Richard's friend Big G for taking the time to compile the last Cave talk in the absence of Abdullah - we all appreciate the effort - but what is worrying is that I have heard some complaints from you guys that the black ink is making things a little tough (and black) when using the newsletter to go to the toilet. Sorry guys but the quick drying ink is finished and we have to refill the cartridge with home made ink. All I can suggest is that you soak the paper in water a while before using it. This will also help sooth those who Richard's wacky idea of lighting farts aresuffering from fire in their nether regions....
And talking of fire in the nether regions, on with the news...
The shopping trip to Kandahar has been cancelled so all you guys that were looking forward to spending all the cash you 'borrowed' when we left Kabul will just have to wait. Unfortunately my credit card has now been cancelled so no more ordering from the internet either. I know things are looking tough chaps but we've been in dire straights before and I am sure we will persevere.
Another touchy subject now, Now we all know that's its been a hard month or two, as we said in our last newsletter if it wasn't going to be tough it wouldn't be a jihad but I'm a little concerned about the missing bag of Heroin from our store. Guys two things, you all know that selling Afghan drugs to the world is a great way to make money and screw with the infidels but chaps we aren't allowed to use them ourselves. I know things are tough but getting stoked up on drugs is just not going to make things any better. Lets all chill out and keep our head down (and clear).
And now a motivational message from our partners in the Taliban - thanks to Muhama for getting it of the web - a special trust to him not to surf in "those" websites now that my net nanny account has been cancelled. From the BBC News - Taliban supreme leader Mullah Mohammed Omar is speaking of a plan in the works to destroy the United States. "The current situation in Afghanistan is related to a bigger cause -- that is the destruction of America," Omar said. "If God's help is with us this will happen within a short period of time."

So come on guys lets all pull together and make it happen

Your in Hope and Love

Usama
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#05
Cave Talk #05 2001.11.16 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: Cave Talk 5 - The big Brother Issue!

A big Ramadan hello to you all,

As you know as of tonight we officially enter Ramadan, a time when we have to sit and pray, and nothing (food and drink) can pass our lips and we are not allowed sex. Muhmmah has complained about Brother Richards comment of "no big change to what we are fucking doing right now then is it?" and Richard get another weeks washing up duty for that witticism. Lets keep that sarcasm down to a minimum now chaps.
I would like to thank brother Ashmael' s positive contribution - a clever young man from far away Cape town who has suggested that we rig up the video cameras I use for my addresses in the cave and start our own "Big Brother". Apparently the stupid infidels will pay good money to watch people stuck in a confined space bicker and argue and once a week one of them is eliminated. A big thanks to Richard volunteering to do the eliminating using his trusty AK-47. Nominations will be made by Me and voting will be by our proposed audience after we sell the concept to Saudi and Pakistani TV.
And talking of TV - I would like to see the wag that taped last weeks episode of South Park called "Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants" - Now I am the 1st to laugh at a good joke but the references to the fact that the creators of South park have discovered that my famously small penis is the cause of my evil streak is NOT funny. Constantly playing that tape when I am out of the cave and then all giggling when I come back in is not what teamwork is made of! The great prophet said (may his name be blessed) that every great man should have one fault and I don't think its fair that youlaugh at mine.

Lets keep the humour light and non-personal now guys.

Your friendly team leader

Usama
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#06
Cave Talk #06 2001.11.17 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: Cave talk 6 - On the Road Again!

Well team - here we are again on the road again!

Its great to be out of the caves and in the open air again all be it for only a little while! Many thanks to you all for the speedy packing and a great trip, a big hand to Richard and his Blarney brothers sing along tapes for making time just speed by. I think we can all agree that Mushaha' s rendering of "the green green grass of home" was particularly good.
A big Turbans off to Ahmed that found these wonderful new caves, now I know it's not home like our old ones near Kandahar but I'm sure we will manage. Please check the notice board after morning prayers for who is on this week for cleaning duties. I have also decided to institute a new system for the best guy among us in each week. Thanks to Mahatma that borrowed the "employee of the week notice board from McDonalds in Dalbandin when he was visiting family in Pakistan last week, and a big hand to Abdulla for his nifty art work with the permanent marker to make it look so good. A truly inspired play on words from Richard to call the award "the Ace of Base" not only a great rap band from the past he tells me but also a nice wink at our team name - Al Qaeda. Good for you Richard and for that you win the 1st ever Ace of base for this week.
An also a big team welcome to our new members good friends of Richard - we are particularly impressed by their white horses that they rode in on although we cannot help but think we have seen pictures of them riding these horse before - Richard assures us it wasn't the same guys that some rear admiral was waving their pictures about on CNN. As we all know not even the infidel Americans are stupid enough to take pictures of their special forces guys in disguises and then show them to us on TV. So a warm team welcome to Chuck, Billy-Bob and Dave.
Unfortunately onto something sad, Our prayers to our brother Mohammed Atef (may his soul enjoy paradise) who was unfortunately killed by the American dogs. The family will accept donations in lieu of flowers and as his closest living "in-law" (thanks to Abdul for pointing out that actually I'm his closest living out-law) I will be accepting the donations on his families behalf.
That's all for now guys, lets keep the momentum and team work going and remember in Ramadan so no eating drinking while the sun shines.

Big hugs from your team leader

Usama
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#07
Cave Talk #07 2001.11.27 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: Cave talk 7 -

Well It's been a week since our last Newsletter. I think all of you can understand the problems we have had to get it all sorted out and printed. Its been a bad time for us all but at last we are 'home' in Bora Tora. You cave home away from Home - the cave system with everything home has except a cluster bomb on it.
As usual lets start with some issues before getting to the fun
Cave fighting - we have recently seen some ugly in-fighting between us for the use of the sun beds - now I know we are over 300m underground and are missing the sun but we have to understand that as leaders we are expected to look tanned and fit for our video transmissions. Hence time on the sun-beds will now be allocated by rank. Mullahs and those of equal rank will get half an hour per day, please remember that the machines only work on tokens or on Visa or MasterCard. Tokens are available from Ramish in the canteen. Dollars and pounds only accepted I am afraid. Paying with all those bank notes your liberated when we left Kabul is just not on.
Smoking the hookah, Now we all know its traditional to take a puff or three in the evenings after breaking our Ramadan fast but I have to say I am disappointed in our brothers from Cape town for bringing a number of bags of something called "Durban Poison". For one its not good to be puffing a way at that stuff when you are supposed to be a suicidal, super aggressive freedom fighter. Its no good getting stoned out of your gourd and hugging those damn marines and saying "I love you brother!" with tears in your eyes as they attack us. And another thing in this regard - I would like the person who smoked a pipe and then emptied the fridge and ate everything including the plastic ice cube trays to see me before evening prayers. We all know the munchies are bad but really some consideration for others should come into it. Mullah Omar is still upset and is thinking of calling fatwah on the man that ate his supply of Twinkies that he kept in his Tupperware are the back on the top shelf.
And lastly on the smoking issue - please remember we are all 300 meters below ground - as good as our air system its taking the smoke from your hookah up through the caves - 1000 giggling chilled out fighters is not what the infidels are expecting to see when they find these caves. Lets keep ourselves aggressive here chaps.

And now onto brighter things:

A big hand to Chuck who won last weeks bingo session - he gets a free 6 month tour of the Philippines capturing hostages for money. The prize this week is a all expenses paid trip to Palestine to suicide bomb a Jewish settlement to show our brothers there we still really care. I am sure the competition for this prize will be pretty stiff so lets all get to the bingo cave hall early.
And now onto another worrying subject - Billy-Bob has been disciplined with 40 lashes after questioning why I a man with 300 million in the bank, 5 wives and 26 children can call the Americans Decadent. Let me remind you all of the expression "don't do as I do! Do as I say!". And lets leave it at that..

Your favourite team leader

Usama
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#08
Cave Talk #08 2001.12.16 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: Cave talk 8

A big hello to you all!

To say things have gone badly I think we all know would be an understatement. It not been fun and as much as it pains to admit it I really screwed things up this time. There I was telling everyone that the decadent Americans and their running dogs the English were too soft to do anything about our brave and glorious strike on the 11th - Boy was I wrong! So - here we all are - stuck in the cave while the Yankee dogs drop bombs the size of Mini-vans on us.
I am a little cross at whoever sent my Birthday party video to 'Americas funniest Home videos' in the hope of winning the $10 000 prize. Here I am telling everyone that I had nothing to do with the WTC and one of you send my bloody video where I am having a good giggle with my mates about it. Guys this is just not on and I am deeply hurt about this.
I am also hurt about the current comment from many of you that you expect Mullah Omar and I to lead from the front in the "fight to the death" - gentleman - the facts of life are that when dealing with the fight to the death scenario there are two main categories - one is those brave martyrs (may they enjoy the taste of the fruits of paradise) who are supposed to fight to the death. The other is the chosen ones that Allah (may his name be blessed) that are told by him to tell you to "fight to the death" - I mean if we fight to the death first then how is Allah (again let him be blessed) supposed to talk to you all.
We also should not forget that our Brother Omar only has one eye and cannot aim his AK-47 much anymore. Its not really fair asking him to go out by the cave entrance and shoot at those Northern Alliance animals. And you all remember how I hurt my foot last week and know that the doctor put me on light duty so I am not allowed to crawl out there either.
Anyway - I know most of you want to get on with being killed so you can enjoy your virgins - please all ignore that horrible rumour about the mistress of the virgins saying that there is a shortage at the moment. I personally spoke to Allah (praise his name) last night after a puff or three of Richards hubby bubbly and he assured me that all arrangements have been made that you all get your quota. Apparently one of the arch angels (was it Michael?) has found a way to recycle previously used virgins (but with low mileage and still under warrantee ) - he suggested to God that after taking only a few days to create the universe would find repairing a hymen a doddle. The Policy is that all martyrs get half of their virgins new and the other half are retreads.
Possibly this is the last cave talk - lets see what the new week brings.

Your team leader till the end (yours anyway)

Usama
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Cave Talk #09
Cave Talk #09 2001.12.20 (Mark J Davies)

Subject: Cave Talk 9 - Hello Girls!!!!!

Sensitivity: Personal

Well Hello Ladies!!!!
Its been an interesting few weeks for us all I think you will admit, firstly the little 'procedure' we had done in the nether regions (and I am not talking about Hell although It may have been better!) but at least we can do away with that annoying prostrate exam every year from now on. These hormone injections are going to be a bother but a lot better than the alternative of a lead injection from those infidel Marines and their running dogs the Northern Alliance. I have to thank Muhama's wife for getting us all these attractive Burquas - a really pretty color of blue with brown trim that match my eyes. Also a big thanks to Doctor All Sayid who did all the wonderful work to make us look so different. I am a bit disappointed however that I am only a B-cup - I thought that while I would be getting tits they would at least be a decent size!
He says that all he has to do now is remove the tattoo on my arm, you know the one with the crossed AK's and "Russian Killer" from the good old days and no-one will ever dream its me.
So, where do we go from here? Richard has suggested that we not hide in a Muslim country as the Infidels will be looking for us there. After him renting the film "Birdcage" we have decided to open a club on South Beach. I will be singing solo and Chuck, Billy-Bob and Dave along with Richard will be chorus line. Tonight we will be practicing "Sisters, doing it for themselves".
And talking of doing it for themselves - lets now keep away from those nasty boys in the cave next door ladies! I understand with our newly installed 'apparatus' we technically are all virgins - but lets keep it that way for a while shall we?
So ladies, lets all see you shaved, dressed and sexy for tonight's practice.

A BIG KISS for you all

Usamalina

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More will be added as the saga unfolds !!
Fatwa #1
Fatwa #1

From: "Mark J. Davies"

I received this email from an address in the UAE this morning comments anyone?

Mark J. Davies

-----Original Message-----
From: Muhammed Al Musharoaf in UAE[mailto:muhama1999@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2001 4:58 PM
To: daviesxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: FATWA

In the name of Allah and his Prophet Mohammed , Blessed be his Name I pronounce a Fatwa on you !
You have made unreligious statements about Allah , blessed be his name, the Muslims fighting Jihaid against the great Satan, and our leader Osama Bin Ladin , long may he live.
I call upon all our Muslim Brothers wherever they are to smite you and all the unbelievers and not to rest until Islam reigns Supreme in the world and every person acknowledge that there is only one God Allah Blessed be his name and that of his Prophet Mohammed

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